I have been a mother for nearly nine years now and I have to say that while I was pregnant with my frist child I thought that having a baby would be like the beautiful nappy ads, all sunshine and roses. What a joke that was, today my aim is to air out a little of the stinky washing.
1. Giving birth to a child is one of the most amazing experiences a woman can have. You will most likely poop in front of many people.
2. Babies have a built in sprinkler system, I once wiped vomit from my ceiling fan.
3. You can only go without sleep for so long before you turn a little crazy, crying over your burnt toast in the morning is normal.
4. No matter how many books you read, there will be times when you feel as though you are doing it all wrong.
5. Your vagina will never be the same no matter how many pelvic floor exercises you do. It won’t be bad but it won’t be the same.
6. Get contents insurance! The insurance ads that show a baby dumping the garage door on a car does happen, my child drew with Mr. Squiggle on our t.v.
7. You think when you become an adult the childhood bullying stops. WRONG! I have been called jelly belly, snot face and I have suffered the chant mum, mum with the big fat bum. No you can not loose your cool, you have to hold back the tears and explain how rude it is to tease people.
8. You can’t smack your child, it’s frowned upon. You have to discipline your child, if you don’t that is frowned upon, basically you have to pull some creative shit out of that so-called mother knows best bag and hope for the best.
9. Google is not your best friend! trust me it’ll keep you up all night worrying, it may even result in a trip to emergency for a runny nose.
10. Do not leave your Chanel shoes near a four-year old, especially in the rain.
11. Your child will tell everyone everything for show and tell no matter how private it is.
12. You will be asked if you pee when you poop.
13. DO NOT bounce a baby after a bottle, especially with a wide open grin!
14. Picking your kids up from school is a fashion show these days, ugg boots and pyjamas are not acceptable even if they are Peter Alexander.
15. You will tell your child many lies and then later have to deal with broken hearts and tears (christmas, easter, tooth fairy).
16. You will be horrified at some point in the supermarket or chemist when your child tells the world “mum’s sick, she vomited from the bum.”
17. You can only persuade people so much that your child is saying “TRUCK”. Eventually they know your child has spent time with dad and his mates.
18. Children know everything! just ask them, the funny thing is though they do observe a lot and could probably tell you in a round about way how things work.
19. Tip: when your child asks what sex means tell them it’s about gender, that’ll give you a couple of months to plan how to really explain.
20. When people tell you it get’s easier as they get older they are lying! the problems just get more interesting.
When I think about all this, it makes me laugh because even if I had been told prior to having children it wouldn’t have made a difference. Every time I see my children smile, or they hug me for no reason none of this stuff matters. They are the best blessing of my life!